its not you

When I look into the night sky, I see nothing but everything. . .everything else...besides myself. I see the light of the stars and the glow of the city.  I see the silhouettes of the trees and shadows of pity. . . .But I don't see you. It's too late to. I'm too distracted to see your face. To remember a place. ...to recall a time you made me proud. . . .To know you by name.. . To call us the same and say it aloud.  I could stare all night. .. .i could stare All. Fucking. Night.. .  and see NOTHING but everything EXCEPT me and you till the sky turned BLUE while the morning rose above my line of sight. .. even if the heavens rained down shards of reflective light.. .i could not see us standing together in the weather saying hello again. Hello again and again goodbye. Because all you ever did was lie. .. all you ever did was leave me here when I needed you most. All you ever do is parasitic at most! Digging and crawling deeper into this host. . Leaving ME to deal with the weight of the world.. .you waiting for the warmth of girl.  Why can't I be the one in love and you the heart to break?! Why can't I be the one to take your fucking place!? To hide away in your vacuum space? Void of pain light fear and spite. Ooh but I can hear you. I can hear praying to me to pray to you to pray to see it from another's point of view. To see you as the night sees the stars and city. As an illumination on the shadows of pity. Like day breaking through pinholes and windows. . Too small to feel those...rays of sunshine.. To dirty, smeared in grime. Perhaps locked from the inside. And here I sit.. Too far from a star. . Too low from the window.  But here I sit. Looking up but not within. Seeing darkness but not Ben.